To Whom it May Concern: Starting Over (2.19.2009)

Let us begin. But I guess that’s a hard enough question to even start with. So where should we begin. Starting over is a good one. Moving on. New love. New beginnings. New hobbies. Who really knows where to begin, but I am definitely thinking it needs to be somewhere in the new category. It is technically February 19, 2009, and holy crap it’s already a month and a half into 2009 so I’ll also say happy late new year. So since it’s a New Year let us start everywhere. How about with a new philosophy on life? Obviously there are the usual ones. I am not going to get into them. So instead I will begin to make my own. So now let us begin with everything this time around, from here on out, no matter the problem, no matter the situation, no matter the outcome, no matter the results, no matter who is involved, no matter how much I am hurt, no matter how much I hurt someone else, this time around, I will do everything with a purpose. Every step I take from here on out with have meaning to it. No matter how shaken up I become by the smallest issue, to the biggest problem this damn universe can throw at me I will hold on and do it with a heart filled with love and a big smile on my face. It is just so tiring being sad and depressed, it is a draining experience that I won’t let take over my life again. The only way to live is with love in your heart. If you don’t have love, in any way, shape or form, then I can assure you, you will never live. The question does proceed is “Is to have had and lost, better than not having at all?” I guess this would be your call really. But I know my answer. And love has made me a better person for it. And believe me I have said it before and will say it again, I am far from perfect, and am no model for someone to live their life by. But everyone needs to start somewhere. This time around, I am starting over. I just can’t seem to find any footing in which to start it. This same old song and dance gets so played out. I hear my own records skipping and repeating in my head over, and over, and over, and over again. But who’s to say that when I do get footing I even want to start over. I’m so fed up with myself because I feel like I’m stuck in this shell, and I know that I am way more than capable of breaking out of it but there’s something holding me back and I almost have gotten way to comfortable in this new place I have built for myself. I see everything around me changing. But when I get an opportunity to change it seems like I pass it by in hopes of waiting for something better. I guess I thought I have built myself into something more but who knows. I haven’t necessarily tested me and can’t seem to work up the courage to. I know I have it in me. But I am always miserable, or at least easily annoyed to the point of someone making me miserable even if they talk to me about something I don’t want to talk about, I am always snapping at people when they don’t deserve it, more than half the time I treat people like shit, I don’t give people the time of day that might give me the time of their life, I know I am constantly hurting someone or another’s feelings, I waste time on trying to be someone I know I most certainly am not, I waste my time with people I probably shouldn’t, I get hung up on little stupid details and over think things that don’t even need to be thought about, and I am just doing everything wrong that I could possibly be doing. Look I am sorry. I really am. I have no excuses really. It’s just this groove I have settled into. Let’s break the groove. Now Valentine’s Day just passed and it was awfully lonely. Worst one in about 6 years, and I know another tough few months are definitely ahead of me. But what else can I do besides weather the storm, right? If you figure there is a purpose for everyone, if you believe in fate, causality, God’s plan, free will, then why the hell is it taking so long for me? So let’s end on a high note. How about fuck the philosophy, and lets go with a new outlook on my life instead. I’ll wait on a corner and wait for the wind to blow down on me and hope that it takes with it all of my old ways and brings some new luck to me. I get it. But what the hell is taking so long? All of this could be wrong, or I could be ready right now. Well what if I take my hearts advice? Should I assume everything is still as unsteady as it first appeared? No, I get it. I am in Repair. Maybe when things turn green again it might be nice to say you know me. Seriously though, what is taking so long? I’ll never really be ready again. But, I’m in repair. I’m not together but I am getting there. I’m in repair. So here it is folks. Do everything with a smile, and a heart full of love, how’s that for an outlook on life. 

“I believe, that my life is going to see, the love I give, return to me” 


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