To Whom it May Concern: Just a Few Things (12.9.08)

So it has been however many months since I wrote on here. And now I sit here again, and I’m pretty much ok. There have been times when I thought I was going to lose it. And there were times when even the littlest thing let me lose it. But I see how I lost it and me figure me being that person is what propelled me to being the person I am now. And believe me I will make no claim that I am perfect or I am a model of the person you should be. I just think that at one point in my recent months I realized that I was completely lost in life and this made me make a few amount of mistakes that I really understand how I fucked up. and after an extremely recent conversation with someone from my past, I think I now realize how since there is no time for me anymore and probably won’t be any time for me in the near or distant future I just don’t think I can sit around and let things unfold the way they were shaping out. I was giving up on things that could have been great; I was destroying things that had potential to be there for a while. My school work as well suffered because of letting all of this stupid shit get to my head. But now is the time to be the better person. don’t get me wrong there are very few things in my life that I regret, and unfortunately with my last girlfriend I’ve come to terms with this complete and utter break and loss. I know it’s almost a complete 8 months removed but what I felt was real and it was nothing to joke about. However the things I do regret I guess are things that I’ll never know if they were enough. This brings me to the review of being human. Hear this first. In the end the words won’t matter. Because in the end nothing stays the same. I will say this and only say this because I need to. This is no attempt for anyone special to read this and think that I am trying to do anything in particular. I am writing this because I want to. With this also being said I continue. Being human you make mistakes, being human you make decisions. Decisions and mistakes will make you the person you are if you want them to or not. Your actions speak louder than your words and it took me too long to realize this. My regrets are what haunt me. but I do feel like the haunting is coming to an end, because both me, and this ghost can’t seem to put it together to make it work, even in a smaller sense me and this haunting can’t seem to even be friends let alone let anything work. So, I regret not saying something sooner. I regret not letting someone now how much I really truly appreciate them. I extremely regret taking someone for granted and not letting them know how much I loved them. These words I should have said one thousand times a day, but who I was back then was someone who was too good for words. I think if I could go back that last thing would be the one I would change. But we are all HUMAN. I guess I could say a whole bunch of other things but I feel like all I do is talk sometimes. You know what. I think I’m done with all of this. There will be no more talking of past mistakes and the possibilities of what could have been from me like this from me again. believe me I’m proud of what I have done because I know in my heart I’ve done what very few men in this world can admit to doing, and that's loving a woman with all of their heart unquestionably, and unconditionally. But I’m done being sad and believe me I will not frown anymore. Why can’t I be optimistic, I tried to find the logic logically? I had a dream and I could not shake it. So there's fear in the truth at hand, I forgot to understand. That I am growing older more into a man. Love is not a joke or a word that should be thrown around loosely. Time was meant for mending. So let the sun shine in, and ill face it with a grin because smilers, they never lose and frowners they never win let the sun shine. There will always be a spot for someone in my heart, and I am not against any new love. But I just won’t be looking anymore. If it's meant to be ill let it find me this time. So in retrospect I’m HUMAN. And plan on being until the day that I might become invincible and I'll be invincible until the day I die. I’ll always wish for better, and if you’re reading this you should too. Whatever you do, just don’t give up on what you believe in. don’t ever give up on something worth fighting for. No one ever went down in history for following the rules. No one ever went down in history for walking away. I’m a better man for believing that I will get what I deserve. I refuse to stay inside the lines. And every day is the start to the possibility of something beautiful. Don’t be afraid to go after something. I wasted something beautiful. And I don’t plan on losing anything I truly believe in ever again. Believe you me, in the end, you'll remember me.

“I believe, that my life is going to see, the love I give, return to me”

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