To Whom it May Concern: Clueless (10.12.2009)

I’m writing this in the wake of studying for two more exams that I probably will not do too well on tomorrow. But I don’t know what I want to do anymore, but even saying that I realize I never really knew what I wanted to do in the first place. You know, I say all these things about I want to work in law enforcement, be a teacher, or any other bland career that I myself and the majority of the rest of the world is going to end up doing, and I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t have the drive to study about why the due process model is more effective then the crime control model. This shit is stupid. I just feel like I am stuck, again, in this terrible loop of a normal life, and it is so beyond the last thing I want. I don’t get how we all make it. How do we move through mundane lives waking up Monday through Friday, nine to five? I can’t. I simply cannot. I’m not interested. I don’t want this life. I don’t need to sit in a room studying books and laws and statutes. I need something better. My mind will just go if this continues. I believe if this continues, you will not receive the same me. The passionate words frustrated through angered, sporadic typing that makes me think won’t live anymore. My ______ will die. You can fill that space with everything that makes me, me. This frustration is overwhelming. I look back on works of writers and filmmakers and novelists and see how they try so much to keep doing the same things over and over again. The same boring repetitive comedies, and the same romance story, the same terrible plot twists in a horror movie that only make us now think that these horror movies are in fact comedies, then think of a quote from a man I truly am inspired by and he says “you don’t follow it at all, you just leave it and you step to the side, and you begin something completely new.” And this doesn’t just apply to those continuations, but to all of our lives. We all try to get away from the flow of our own norms but the new flow then becomes intertwined in a vicious circle that begins to crumble our walls and rips the foundations of our very soul and being. I praise the men and women that do it every day, and make my life another bland figment of my own reality. I praise my parents who do it every day and give me the life I deserve. But I can’t. I promised I would soar. I swore to myself I’d fly. But I just don’t know where I am going. Will this studious lifestyle become me? Will I be forced to adapt to the everyday? Where will I be in 21 years? I don’t want to say in a place I swore I wouldn’t. Time will eventually set me free. I don’t expect the world to be handed to me. I don’t believe that things of pure satisfaction should ever be given without love and dedication. Being clueless gives me an opportunity that I can still venture down a path that will give me my pure satisfaction. It will give me my love. It will give me my heart, soul, pride, foundation, walls, love, back. It will be worth it in the end. You will remember me. You will remember my name. Whether my remembrance comes in a flame or pure and disgusted hatred, you will not forget. But I promise that it will not happen that way. Being clueless gives me the right to step to the side of everyone and begin something completely new. It gives me that right. I am free, from all of these things I used to be. I am free. 

“I believe, my life is going to see, the love I give, return to me.” 


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