2.09.2012

To Whom it May Concern (9.10.08)

as i sit in my room on this shitty day i begin to look back on everything i have ever experienced in my short 20 years of life. But as i look back i begin to realize that what i have experienced has pretty much equaled up to some peoples life times of pain and happiness. But first thing is first. For those of you who barely know me, my name is Richard Francis. I have recently started to attend stockton college in pomona, nj and like it pretty much so far. I have a wonderful family and a great summer job and am happy with myself till the end. But here now is where i will describe in detail what is on my mind. Like i said before im 20, and experienced my fair share of "experiences" of all kind, good and bad, life changing and dull, stupid and good, falling in love and being broken into an immeasurable amount of pieces, which this last part is pretty much why im writing this. Again im 20, and i know im young but should true love be only reserved for the 25 yr olds? I know im in no position to be married or engaged or have kids yet this i understand, but is it impossible at this age to truly be immersed into something like love? for those of you who take the time to read this obviously you know me and more than likely know my situation. i just feel like i cant give much more in this department known as love because everytime i end up hurting myself or getting hurt. in complete and utter honesty there is no other way to put this, except to say that i am in love with this girl, and have been for about 6 years now. its not even on a scale of one to ten, to me atleast, it feels like the kind of love you write songs about, and make movies for. the kind of love you dream about and wish you had, the kind that gives you goosebumps and keeps you awake on the phone all night long falling asleep to each others breath. the kind of love you never want to give up on. reminder im still 20. so lets rewind 6 years to 14, freshman year of high school. i meet this pretty little thing who sits in front of me who at the time, couldnt stand me, but then again who could stand me then. few weeks in me and the PLT(pretty little thing) start talking on the phone and over the computer. little by little we hang out once and a while and eventually i man up to this girl and ask her to be my girlfriend. 2/15/03. man i look at that number and realize how long it has been. but anyway back to this. we date and see each other and kiss and laugh and be happy. but low and behold, im an asshole and break up with her. the summer goes by and i think nothing of how i hurt her. sophomore year rolls around and the PLT is in my history class and the awkwardness begins. me, understand how much of an ass i am, i wait till an opportune time to speak with her and take the chance when i cant stand waiting anymore. thankfully she forgave me and in time we were together again. all is well until sophomore summer rolls around and again same old mistake by the same old asshole that i am. we talk sparingly throughout the summer and i again didnt realize that i hurt her and again im an ass. until the most meaningful break ive ever had. i broke my leg and needed surgery, and she was there for me when i needed her. she kept me sane and alive when i couldnt move from my bed. then she moved me from my bed and took me out to the movies, then came to see me on halloween when everyone else was out. i think that these months of my pain were what brought me to love her unconditionally from then onto today and forever. and that was when i realized that she loved me too. i told her a few months later that i promised i would never hurt her like i had and i would never leave her, and it would be her that had to lose me this time. she smiled at me and cried a bit because she was happy. so lets fast forward because the next two years were amazing. junior and senior prom, birthdays and christmas, parties, wedding dates,valentines day and summers of love even though i wasnt a big fan of the beach, she was a goddess in the sand and under the sun. so like i said lets fast forward to freshman year at college. things were going good i guess we were both feeling the pressure at school and it got to us. things were getting awfully serious as well, it felt like we were married and it was getting to the both of us like i said but her more because i was pretty much the only person she ever dated and i dated a little bit before her but nothing serious and it scared her. this lead to her breaking up with me for the first time. which was understandable i mean i took it hard but then again who wouldnt. i did all the wrong things, tried calling her all the time, try to set up meetings and other stupid shit that i shouldnt have done. but eventually the dust settled and i walked away. but man does that feeling hurt. i guess when you are truly in love thats what pain really is. i didnt want to eat, or move, or sleep, or get outta bed, or talk. when you are truly shaken to the core, when your universe is moved its a mind blowing experience. everything gets to me now. i have a greater appretiation for emotion and feelings. sad songs get to me and sappy movies get to me. i find myself almost tearing up sometimes to things i would laugh at a few years ago. being hurt so badly, it changes your perspective on life. but time heals, well atleast time makes your forget, but nontheless i started working alot and it got my mind off of it and forgot PLT completely for a few months. i saw her eventually at the mall and it was a godsend because she looked so beautiful. we talked for a minute and i tried to block it out of my head for as long as i could. called her a few times and realized how ridiculous my new found pride was and soon stopped again. but seeing her made me again realized how much i truly wanted to be with her. so sophomore year of college rolls around and she is in one of my classes. i try to avoid her for as long as possible but just being near her draws me in and i man up and ask her to hang out and soon enough, were back into again. i think a few words to best describe us would be comfortable, real love. and we continued on and were happy being in each others arms and hearts again. the time had come however for the second break up to begin. after a week vacation we continued our relationship but something was different and we both knew it. the second break on her behalf was inevitable and it was obvious it was gonna happen. again i took it hard but tried to be more of a human about it so i told her i wanted to be friends because throughout it all we had always been each others best friend. she was my rock and my shoulder to cry on and i was hers. but with little snags left and right it was too difficult mostly on my behalf because i kept trying to make her mine again when i knew i shouldnt have. so we took time apart talking sparingly again but it doesnt work. i fight it and i call like iknow i shouldnt because more than likely i make things worse. but the time comes now as i sit in my room at school shes not that far away pretty much about 50 yards to my left. i know taht right now there will be no relationship with her and i need to accept it. but knowing that she possibly dating someone else in the near future is what gets to me mostly. but what can i do? i know the normal pieces of advice..."let her be, she'll come back when shes realizes shes lost something truly amazing," "just move on," "theres plenty of girls for you," "ignore her and let her know youre happy without her, then shell realize..."yeah yeah yeah i get it. but when you are in true real passionate head over heels i cant live without you swinging for the fences outta the park ill write you 365 letters every day for a year the i cant sleep the soul awakening fire in the heart building, the I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday kind of love...letting go IS impossible. i was brought up being taught that if i really wanted something that i can never give up on it. ill never walk away from something i believe in and that PLT is something i believe. my heart believes in. i refuse to give up. all in all i believe that my life's gunna see the love i give return to me. yes this is what i believe that my life is going to see the love that I give, Return to me. 

my name is richard francis. i am 20 years old. i wrote this. i am real. and i am in love. 

thank you for reading. 

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